Standardized Testing Angels: Please Watch Over Me!

"Hi Geoff*, I'm just calling to make sure all the pieces have been received for my application to Graduate School since the deadline is tomorrow. I'm not sure if I wrote this in my letter, but I would seriously even consider spending time in Antarctica melting glaciers with a candle lighter if it would secure my admittance slot."

"Ah, yes Tara, let me look. Thanks for being so desperate to get your education from our esteemed institution. Would you like to get a job at the university to so you can take two classes free each semester, which normally would cost you the price of small essential organs?"

"Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes."

"Patience, child. Let's see if you make the first cut. Let me check to see that your materials have arrived.......mmmmmhhhhmmmm...looks good ...check....check....check....ah....good.....Yes. Well everything looks intact. But you know, it's been a bumper crop year for applicants. Too bad you've chosen to attend grad school during an economic downturn. You could re-take your GRE in order to be more competitive."

Long pause.

"Retake it? The GRE? Retake the GRE? Like that test I took four years ago right after graduation when my mind was still nimbly doing cart wheels and front flips around silly verbal analogies like apiary: bee. Um. Would you say, Geoff, that this is critical?"

"As a matter of fact, I would. Everything else is great. This is probably the only way to strengthen your application."

Long pause. Swallowing some large lump of raw fear that has suddenly appeared in my esophagus. Those blessed scores have served me well up to this point, fine institutions have have ushered me in with welcome arms, pleased with my credentials. And here I have been telling everyone around me who is preparing for the GRE, "No, don't worry, no big deal. I practically took it cold and had decent scores. You'll do great." If only they could me now, shaking in my don't-worry-make-love-and-be-happy Mukluks.

"Okay Geoff I understand. Please note that I will be taking it over again. And also if I happen to die during the intense preparation necessary for this test, please still consider my application and forward my acceptance letter to my Mother. Thanks."

And that, folks is what I wish I really did say. But then I thought, well, what if he thinks I'm unstable and contemplating taking my own life because of a silly little test? Now there's no point in that. No sense in rocking the boat that may be transporting my admission letter, right? Right.

And Geoff if you have Googled my name and are reading this, as mentioned in our later conversation, I will be completely hibernating and catching up on all that good quantitative stuff for this thing until D-Day--Friday, February 13th (auspicious for standardized test taking I hear). That's how badly I want this. Could you put in a good word to the selection committee? Thanks!


*Names have been changed to protect the dignity of others.